There comes a time in our lives where we have to recognize the end of a chapter. We have to put some great part of our lives to bed and make those decisions that are essential for change. You have to give up on those loose ends that will always hang frayed in some place that you have bedded down for any period of time. There will still be those maybes hanging around in that old world, but those maybes are the material of your stagnation, those maybes are what keep you where you are. You have to let them go.
So I’m letting go off all my maybe’s, all of my mysteries, all the little things that I wonder about when I’m left alone. I haven’t got a lot of money left, but what I’ve got I’m scrapping together to get a one way flight far away from here. I’ve spent bloody ages finding all sorts of ways to save the pennies on these trips. Through skyscanner I found some amazingly cheap flights going out of Liverpool, then found a whole load of ways of saving in the costs of things. Now I’ve finally done it. I’m out.
All of the things that I thought I needed, that I thought needed me, that I thought my life was made of. They were only ways of stopping me reaching into myself and actually trying to find out who I am. Because I am not just some appendage to others. I am not defined only by my role propping up the lives of others. I am a meaningful and existing woman who should be able to walk as a person on their own and walk tall and be strong. I deserve that and I can do it! I’m going to be my self for the first time.
So this is it, this is my goodbye. I’ve changed a lot since I started writing here about our shop and my life. My whole world is different now, completely different to the world I used to live in. I’m so much better for those changes, and I’m grateful for you being there for me. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt through this whole thing it’s that one of the hardest parts of life is balancing your own wants and the fact that you want to be part of other peoples lives. You can’t just sacrifice yourself to others, they do not deserve to control you, you have to be your own person. But you have to be willing, and able, to share your life. Willing to look toward the unknown, and crave it, and search for it.
I’m ready to share and I’m willing to crave. So I look with Gatsby’s eyes, to the future.
Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter — to-morrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. . . . And one fine morning ——
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.